Some things just need to get said.
In the DMZ between North and South Korea, a diverse and rich wildlife has grown up over the last 50 years. Human absence, and especially the absence of polarization, development and hostility, has allowed the wild to return. 
In our national conversation the last few years, there is extreme hostility and polarization. A lack of civility, trust and empathy has created few solutions to real problems, and instead, birthed new problems for our nation and the world.
But in the DMZ – the area where no one goes, between the two sides, there is richness, diversity, possibility, and resolution.
Dissonance… and Resolution
In music, we love the uplifting sounds of harmony. But all experienced singers know this: The juiciest harmony includes moments of dissonance – moments the singers lean into and feel the edge, the vibration of “different,” and then… the dissonance resolves.
That moment of resolution is indescribably delicious, for singers and listeners alike. Like the DMZ, there’s something to be gained by going there, something we bring back when we return.
I like to go into the recovering wildness. The place where few go, where it feels strange, dissonant. Come there with me in this conversation. For a moment, give up your loyalty to either “side,” and let’s lean into the dissonance, trusting there is a resolution.
Some things just need to get said.
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What did God mean…. ?
My dad, born in 1915 in Central Kansas, was raised in a strict Christian Church and took it to heart. When he came of age and WWII was just beginning, he struggled with the Commandment, Thou Shalt Not Kill.
Did God say it’s okay if they are the Enemy? Or you don’t like them? No. Just Thou Shalt Not Kill.
Facing the draft as he finished college, he could not bring himself to kill or carry a gun with the intent to kill. So he applied for Conscientious Objector (CO) status. As I remember his telling it, his request was rejected by the local draft board, but approved at the state level. So he went through basic training with the other COs, and was assigned to a Connecticut mental hospital for the criminally insane for the duration of the war.
Thou Shalt Not Kill. In Dad’s mind, there was no exception to that.
My childhood was sprinkled with many stories from Norwich State Hospital… how Mom served as a secretary for one of the doctors there while Dad cared for the severely mentally ill, in terrible and sometimes dangerous conditions. It was a deeply affecting time for both my parents.
Occasionally during the war they would ride the train across country, back home, with soldiers on board. Dad told me the soldiers were always respectful to him and Mom. He never felt judged or condemned for his choice.
But after the war, as he slowly discovered, along with the rest of America and the world, the massive amount of killing that Hitler and the Nazis had been doing, he wondered. Had he done the right thing? Should he have gone to the battlefield to stop a murderer?
God’s Commandment? Or Patriotism?
Back home in Central Kansas after the war, their reception was colder than from the soldiers on the train. In the community where my dad grew up, they began attending church in the early ’50’s. Subtly, some of the members let my parents know that they thought he was wrong and unpatriotic to have chosen his path of pacifism. I was a baby and unaware, but after awhile, my parents left the church. Dad told me later he felt the church members were hypocritical. How did they interpret God’s command, Thou Shalt Not Kill? I never heard Dad judge them for their choices, but he was angry at being judged for his choice.
Before they returned to Kansas, my parents went to southern California after being released from the service. There my dad finished graduate school and started teaching history and math. He loved his students and was a good teacher.
Years later he would tell me this story that shaped his thoughts on abortion, illegal all those years.
From a Good Family
One of his favorite students was a bright and lovely young girl, a cheerleader, and bright. She began to date a young man from the same school.
Then one Monday, she didn’t show up for class. As the hours and days passed she remained missing and the story unfolded.
She had become pregnant. Oh the sin! She was from a “good family,” and could not bear the humiliation she would bring to herself and her family.
And so, she and her boyfriend drove south. Into Mexico, where somebody knew somebody. They arrived at the home or office of a “doctor” who could make the pregnancy go away.
It did. But the cheerleader from a good family did not make it through. Who knows what happened? Infection, perforation, uncleanliness, shame…. all contributed, and this beautiful young woman died at 16.
Her boyfriend lived. Probably less shamed than she was.
Abortion stops a beating heart… and illegal abortion frequently stops two beating hearts.
My dad was so sad and distressed at the loss of this young woman that he became a solid supporter of legal abortion, and was truly happy when Roe vs. Wade changed everything.
Abortion is not a good thing. But, in our culture, it is a real thing. Young men do not pay the price for sex that young women do. Illegal abortion may seem like the only option to a young woman who is desperate to avoid the shame and consequences of an unplanned pregnancy. The young man who enjoyed the encounter will go on with his life as if nothing happened, while the young woman will be forever changed.
Thou shalt not kill. Why should Thou shalt not kill apply to unborn babies, even fetuses, but not to their mothers? Or to soldiers being sent to war? If you are taking the Bible literally, I challenge you to ponder this commandment with all your heart and your reason.
I believe the desire to make abortion illegal again arises from a deep need of men to control women. It doesn’t really save lives to make abortion illegal, it just creates an even heavier burden on women, and leaves males high and unscathed.
So those of you who call yourself pro-life – ask yourself why God said Thou Shalt Not Kill and you and your preacher apply it to the unborn, but not to the young pregnant woman, nor the enemy soldier, nor to the convicted killer, nor to… what did God mean? And what did Jesus mean in his teachings of absolute unconditional love and forgiveness?
Why is blocking abortion so absolute for you, when other things slide right by?
And now, for another point of view. I had an abortion once. Here’s my story.
(Part II)
A Promise to Something
I was married, 28 years old with a strong willed 1 year old and an un-involved husband. My little girl was my first child. I was dealing with the emotional traumas of my own childhood and trying to parent differently than my parents had done with me. My husband was gone a lot and I had little family support. Then, using birth control, I became pregnant. I was horrified, and realized it at about 4 weeks along. Abortion was legal and safe. I immediately decided I was not ready to manage two children alone, primarily since it would mean a sort of emotional abandonment for my daughter. I refused to do that to her.
My husband did not disagree, drove me to a clinic, and I had what is called a D&C, about 5 weeks along. It was the most sobering day of my life.
Despite having left the church of my childhood and being un-religious at the time, I made a promise to Something that day. “If I ever am pregnant again unintentionally I will never terminate a pregnancy again. This is it.” Somehow that seemed the only really good thing that happened that day.
Two years later I delivered my first son, intentionally conceived, and the two children grew.
The years went by. My marriage was difficult and I largely raised the children alone. Money was tight, but I remained self-employed in order to be with the children as much as possible.
Then one Saturday, when my son was 5, I felt the familiar feelings. Fatigue. Swollen breasts. Unsettled stomach. Oh, no! It couldn’t be. I had an IUD in place and had worn it successfully for several years.
By then, pregnancy kits were sold OTC, so I purchased one that same day. The next morning: Yep. I was pregnant. Unbelievable. I went to the doctor Monday, and at first he doubted me. Then he examined my pelvis, and announced, “Oh, yes, you are pregnant!” At my request, he removed the copper 7 IUD right then and there.
And the seed that had started growing did not dislodge. Instead, as I absorbed the truth that I was carrying a third child, it settled in and grew securely.
My husband suggested possibly I would want an abortion?
No. Absolutely not. I had made a promise to whatever powers there are and I was not changing my mind.
It took most of the pregnancy to get past my reluctance to birth another child, but all went well. I delivered my second son in the spring, to the delight of my other children who were 9 and 6 when he was born.
Who lives, who dies… who decides?
That unexpected gift from the Universe – my second son – has gone on to be a delight, to marry first of all my children, and present me with my first two grand babies. Those two grand babies are the loves of my life and I have spent many hours loving and treasuring them.
Thou Shalt Not Kill. All my children are peaceful and loving human beings with a desire to make the world a better place, as was my father.
Had I not terminated the unexpected pregnancy at 5 weeks, my two sons born later would never have existed. Nor my grandchildren.
When my father chose not to go to war on religious grounds, who lived and who died because of his choice?
When another chose to sign up for that war, or any war, who lived and who died because of that choice?
We are all making life and death choices regularly, and if our hearts are in the right place, we understand the responsibility of those choices and we struggle with the morality of the decisions.
What did the God of the Old Testament mean?
Does it still apply today?
How do I apply it in my life?
Do I have the right to force others to understand it the way I do?
Dare to wrestle with these questions.
I believe abortion should be legal but rare. Scans of the fetuses as they grow, at 8 weeks and 12 weeks and 20 weeks give more context to those dates. Other healthy options should be available to all, especially the best birth control available and education. I believe as the pregnancy progresses other options should be utilized more and more unless there was rape, mother’s life in danger, or fetus is seriously damaged. I believe that the father, where possible, should be held accountable but that the mother should make the final decision, as this life is being carried in her body. I believe abundant information, education and support for both girls and boys can dramatically reduce the number of unplanned pregnancies and therefore the desire for termination.
I believe the dictate to honor Life (Thou shalt not kill) should be taken seriously and applied to other situations besides abortion – war and all its forms; the death penalty; health care/homelessness, and more.
I urge my readers not to oversimplify and trivialize our relationship to Life and Death. Abortion is not by any means the only way humans may deliberately take life. And yet, it is the only one that polarizes so many people. Where else are we as humans ending life, and why are we not looking at those issues?
Come into the DMZ with me and experience the dissonance. Then let’s find together the resolution.
Some things just need to get said.