Sent by God

In 1999 I met a brilliant man.  I had led a “sheltered” life the decades prior to that year.  First married, then divorced, I was raising my kids in my country home in rural Kansas.  Sure I had a college education and I read.  But truly, the new people entering my life were rare – maybe one every year or so. 

Then J appeared.  He was mesmerizing, creative, a great storyteller.  I was firmly set on a spiritual path, and he told me he came to me because he was God’s answer to my prayers.  

I sort of believed him.  Two weeks after we met, he proposed.  I said yes.  We set the date for two months later.  J was charismatic – even my son said he was a miracle in our lives. 

Two days before the wedding he blew up at me for my relationship with that same son.  I was enmeshed, he said. He threatened to leave, and walked out for a day. 

I swallowed hard, apologized, and we married two days later.  

That scenario repeated itself dozens of times over the next year.  I scrambled to “clean up” my relationships so I could be close to J.   I cut out one person after another based on his assessment (judgment).  The sudden blowups continued as he judged nearly all of my relationships as co-dependent, enmeshed, entangled. I needed to clean them all up.   

J reminded me regularly that he was – literally – God’s answer to my prayers:  for a closer walk with God, for improved relationships, for a partner, for creativity.  

Yes, he was God’s answer to my prayers.  God sent him to me. 

As the months went by with J, I became isolated, stressed, and my body began to suffer with mysterious aches and weaknesses.  I didn’t know what was happening and I had no one – except J – to talk to about it. Despite his great story-telling, our huge dreams, and our exciting travels, I was increasingly depressed.  He was moving out about once every 3 weeks, then back in again a few days later.  We changed homes 3 times in one year.  All of my belongings (and my children’s keepsakes) were in storage and unavailable to me – jumbled. 

My mind was a maze of confusion and fear.  My body felt like hell.  My life felt like hell.  Inside, I was still praying.  God, what is going on?  God, what do you want me to do?  Despite all J’s pronouncements and certainty, this didn’t feel like Love to me. 

I have always believed in love. Love as a force. Even when I didn’t believe in God, I believed in Love and in Truth. 

I was so confused. 

One day, my prayers were answered – again – when a poster in a mall asked the question, “Does anything about your relationship scare you?”

Hell yes. Almost everything.  

The poster was an invitation to call the Domestic Violence help line.   

I did so. I left with my suitcase the next morning. 

So I have a question for you.  

Is there anyone you believe was sent by God but what they do doesn’t feel like love?  It doesn’t feel like truth?  It doesn’t feel like integrity?

I don’t care whether it’s a close up and personal relationship or whether it’s the president of the United States.  I don’t care whether it’s a Senator, or a friend.  

If you are passionate that this person was sent by God, but what they do doesn’t feel like Love – or Honor – or Truth – or Integrity, think on this.   

What if God sent this person to you – or to us – to reveal the ugliness of hatred?  To reveal the ugliness of judging others?  To reveal the ugliness of racism, and corruption?

I used my free will to walk away from the Man who was Sent by God. I lost much of what I valued in my life. I cried for months.  I made apologies and amends to those I had judged and alienated. I prayed and spent time in the ashes of humiliation.  

Slowly I mended my life. I pondered the lessons of what judgment does to relationships, what self-righteousness does to Love.   

If you believe Donald Trump and company were sent by God, I invite you to answer this question – does anything he does feel like Love?

What would Love do?  What would Jesus do?  

If you believe Donald Trump was sent by God, I challenge you to consider what God might have wanted you to learn from this? 

I challenge you to awaken your own conscience.  It might just be a Revelation. 

© Linda Chubbuck 2020