We are just home from a trip to England, where for various reasons, we rented a car and drove across the southern counties. Yep, on the left side! I was the navigator, Stan was the driver, but we were both involved in safety, directions, etc.
One thing we noticed is that – except for the time when we had a tire blowout and needed help – we never saw a police car. None.
As Americans, we are used to the quick braking when we spot a radar trap or cop car on the overpass, or just over the hill. Where are the cops – or bobbies – in Britain?
Instead we saw road signs with speeds posted just above a camera image. And “HUMP” signs followed by a very large bump in the road – all over, especially around dangerous areas.
After several days we asked a British friend about the no-traffic-police thing.
He told us that in Britain, the belief is that society is best served when police are building relationships with the community, not “policing” the people – rather assisting the people. As to traffic and safety, country-wide speed limits apply everywhere except when marked lower speeds. To enforce the speed limits – rather than radar traps – are a mix of speed “humps” (which absolutely require a driver to slow down or destroy the vehicle), well-marked camera zones, and occasional one lane narrowing where only one driver can pass through at a time. The opposite driver must wait.
Then there are the famous roundabouts, which, after 30 or 40 of these, actually made sense to us and worked well. With only one exception, drivers were polite and safe passing through these.
The license plates are twice the size of US plates, yellow with very large black letters and numbers, and placed on front and back. Easy to read (or photograph) from a distance, when needed. Tickets are mailed to violators, who are held accountable.
How well do these systems work? We cannot say for sure, but we experienced courtesy amid fast-moving but not aggressive traffic. The British traffic system and signage are accountability focused – not shame-based, with an authority figure watching for us to make mistakes.
Shame researcher and author Brené Brown describes the shame cycle this way: the incident, then the loop which encompasses denial, rage, punishment, revenge, resentment, numbing, then repeat behaviors.
Nowhere is there accountability in this.
Stan and I have had many discussions the past year or two about the journey from shame to accountability.
Here’s an example: a 10 year old takes a chunk out of a cake sitting in the kitchen prepared for an event. If shame is the prevailing family dynamic, there is an accusation by Mom or Dad, denial on his part, more accusations and threats, perhaps eventual punishment for him. Shame can settle in with thoughts such as “I’m a bad person, a sneak, a cheat.” With the shame comes resentment and an impulse to alleviate the shame by doing something that “feels good.” Eat cake? Other addictive behaviors? It’s a vicious loop. Acting out, confrontation, denial, punishment, shame, remorse, resentment, followed by another shame-based acting out.
What’s the way out?
The courage to confront behaviors – within ourselves and others – that are wrong or out of integrity, with courage, backbone, and Light. Then to hold ourselves and/or others accountable, rather than shaming.
Here’s how the Cake-Theft incident might go with parents committed to accountability: child takes chunk of cake. Parent discovers and calls him in. Did you take the corner of the cake off? Child denies.
Parent applies pressure with reminder of values – integrity, honesty are more important than lies and escape. Did you eat the cake? Parent may also apply Love and Connection with the child. Child crumbles and admits to doing it. Parent maintains calm and explains what the purpose of the cake was, and presents problem now – for child to find solution. Or at least to be part of solution. There may be consequences as well, but first priority is to solve the issue of what to do about the event the cake was destined for.
Child is left with perhaps a feeling of responsibility, accountability, partnership, and maybe a little appropriate guilt – “I shouldn’t have done that” – that can help resist next temptation.
No shame is applied. Nothing is said that makes the child feel like a bad person, but merely a person who has made a mistake.
Much of what is destructive in our world is locked in the shame-based loop. Unconscious behaviors and acting out. Revenge. Dishonesty. Denial. Rage. Resentment. Punitive behaviors. Numbing (so we don’t have to see this loop). Self-righteousness.
Accountability on the other hand fosters honesty, partnership, integrity, solutions, compassion. Where needed, protection.
The journey in each of us and our world from Shame to Accountability involves maturity, courage, and clear-seeing. We must resist the temptation to shame ourselves, and others, and yet, at the same time, hold each other accountable. Like Britain’s HUMPS and traffic cameras hold drivers accountable.
In ourselves, we must remember to face the consequences of our choices without going into shame. Then we have all the resources of Love and Light to assist us in finding healing solutions that create peace and harmony within ourselves, and the world.
